Life in Boxes

Our family will be moving soon.  My husband went through a forced resignation a month ago, and since then he has been looking for jobs in this area.  We hoped to stay here, since I have a job and my daughter has friends here.

But God had other plans.  My masters degree’d husband couldn’t find a job making slightly more than minimum wage - not enough to support our family.  We have family and friends down South, so we’re heading down there.  The economy isn’t as depressed there, and jobs are a little easier to come by.  Neither one of us have secured a job yet - not for lack of trying.

The decision to move has been difficult.  We prayed and talked and thought and prayed some more.  I keep hoping for neon signs in the sky pointing in a specific direction, but we know God is usually more subtle.  All we know is that moving is the next step for us.  I believe God is asking us to step through this door in faith and He will reveal His plan in His time.

Knowing that God has a plan doesn’t make moving any easier.  As we began to pack our belongings, sorting out what can be donated and thrown out and what we want to keep, a wave of great sadness came over me.  I had a hard time putting my finger on the exact source of my sadness because I’ve been saying for some time that I’d love to live closer to my family again.  I should be excited about this, right?

But as I wrapped pictures and stacked photo albums, it dawned on me: this is the end of a chapter in our lives.  Once we move, the next chapter will begin.  However, the end of our story in this place has already been written.  All that is left to do is clean up and close the door.  It is sad: for all the difficulties we had here, we do love this place.  We made great friends, whom we will miss.  We hoped to stay here for a long time.  It’s okay to mourn the end of this part of our lives.  We need to experience that grief, breathe in and out the memories here before this time is over.

We will remember the first time our daughter slept in her big-girl bed; my first Thanksgiving dinner that I made all by myself; teaching our daughter to ride a bike in the driveway; playing ball in the backyard; watching fireworks at the park.  My daughter “painting” the couch with pizza sauce.  My husband coming in the door and scooping us all in a family hug.  Laughing, crying, arguing, loving.  Like the video montage at the end of a sitcom series, all these scenes play out in my head.  And all I can think is: “It’s over.”

Then God breathes life into my thoughts: “It’s not over.  I am not done writing your story.”  My family is still here, we have more lines to be written.  This is the end of one chapter, not the end of our book.

Hymn by Brooke Fraser

One of the most beautiful songs I’ve heard in a while.  Amazing lyrics:

If to distant lands I scatter 
If I sail to farthest seas 
Would you find and firm and gather
‘Til I only dwell in Thee? 

If I flee from greenest pastures 
Would you leave to look for me? 
Forfeit glory to come after 
‘Til I only dwell in Thee 

If my heart has one ambition 
If my soul one goal to seek 
This my solitary vision
‘Til I only dwell in Thee 
That I only dwell in Thee 
‘Til I only dwell in Thee

 

Change is certain, except from vending machines

For the past few months I’ve felt that change was on the horizon for our family.  I wasn’t sure what kind of change: maybe a breakthrough in our current ministry, a new ministry, a career change.  We prayerfully tried a few doors, but nothing opened up.

And then it came.  We were forced out.  We had a choice: resign or get fired.  I’ll spare you the details.  I’ll just say that my husband did nothing to warrant this.  I’m sure the leadership felt they were making the best decision for the church, but our students were left wondering why we resigned without saying goodbye and the congregation was a little mystified.  The backstory they’re giving to justify it all doesn’t make sense to me, and it’s hurtful to our family.

So now we’re at a crossroads.  We have a several possibilities, and God is silent for the moment.  We are left to wait, and wonder, and pray that answers will come soon.  Although at times I’m fed up with life in the ministry, we still feel God has a place for us.

We went through a forced resignation once before, just a few months before our daughter was born.  This time is much different.  God has been working on us, and we’re a little wiser this time around.

• I’m not quite as surprised that this can happen in churches.  We are all human, and capable of making mistakes.  Knowing that makes it only slightly easier to let this roll off our backs.  However, it does help me to understand that sometimes, with some people, you just can’t do anything right.  We are content that we did what God called us to do and were faithful in ministry.
• I am certain that God has a plan.  Our first forced resignation was a crisis of faith for me.  If God called us into ministry and we were doing what He told us to do, then why, I wondered, would He let this happen?  Today I’ve still posed that question, but I know that the answer is that there is something better for us.  God is doing something, and I can’t wait to see what it is.
• We’re aware that people say what you want to hear.  In both our forced resignations, we had friends who were upset at the conflict and junk we were going through.  They made some grand statements, which made us feel better at the time.  They said things such as: “Well, if they fire you we won’t go back;” “You can bet if you leave we won’t be helping out with the student ministry;” “Now that I know how they’ve treated you I don’t want my child going to that youth group.”  It’s always nice to feel that your friends are loyal to you, but we never want people to leave a church family they otherwise love out of solidarity for us.  And they rarely do.  In most cases, they stay put because they are established in their congregation - they have friends and family there, and they don’t really want to leave.
• We release the need to see justice.  I have a deep need to feel that justice is being done, for things to be fair.  I told my husband that the thing that bothers me the most is this: the story will get told and retold in their version of events, and no one will ever hear our side of the story.  I want the truth to come out, to feel vindicated.  I want people to know this wasn’t fair or right and that it never should have happened.  The biggest struggle for me this time around is to let go of that desire.  I must give justice to the only One who is truly just.  My dad, in his farm-raised wisdom, always says that “it all comes out in the wash.”  It does.  We’ve gotten a few emails, cards, and letters from members of our former church expressing their regret at the situation and offering encouragement.  It’s not the great smiting of all offending parties that I hoped for at first, but it’s a comfort and it’s from God.

In spite of all the uncertainty in my life right now, I find myself getting excited about what is around the corner.  God has told me in different ways, through different people, that He would not have brought us this far to hang us out to dry.  And God does not disappoint.

In Which I Confront Disappointment

Some ten years ago I felt God call me into the ministry.  Specifically, I felt, music ministry.  I imagined I would be a musician, touring the country leading worship for thousands of teenagers.  I had visions of greatness - releasing hit CDs, receiving awards, using my God-given gifts to ignite a passion for true worship in the hearts of young people.

Fast forward to present day.  I am a college dropout, married to a youth pastor and raising a child.  Instead of leading thousands in worship, I direct our praise band on the occasional Youth Sunday.  No CDs or awards for me.  I have yet to tour the country to share my gifts with America.  The strain of ministry takes its toll on our family.  I had no idea when I committed my life to God that this is what He had in mind!

I regularly fight off disappointment in myself and the circumstances that surround me.  But most shameful to me is that I often question God’s design for myself and my family - and yes, feel disappointed in His plans for me.  After reading about regret in my devotions a few days ago, I admitted to myself and God that I feel like a failure.

Maybe I am just jealous - I see my high school classmates graduating from college and getting good jobs, taking over family businesses, or going to graduate school.  I dread seeing people from my past and answering the question, “So what are you doing?” because my answers all sound so mundane.  On my last trip home I ran into one school acquaintance, now an accountant married to a successful businessman, driving a car worth more than my house!  How did this happen?  I graduated in the top of my class, scored well on all the tests - why do I seem like the least successful of my contemporaries?  Perhaps I am embarrassed that I sometimes regret my decision to wholeheartedly give my life to God.

Then I am reminded of Jesus, speaking to the men who would give up their families, professions, and ultimately their lives, to follow Him: “…If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside selfish ambition, shoulder your cross daily, and follow me.  If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it.  But if you give up your life for me, you will find true life.  And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose or forfeit your soul in the process?” (Luke 9:23b-25 NLT).  And also, the words of Paul: “I, Paul, am a prisoner of Christ Jesus because of my preaching to you Gentiles” (Eph. 3:1).

Carrying around a cross every day or serving a life sentence in prison seems infinitely less glamorous than what I’d imagined for my life.  But then, my life isn’t really mine to live.  God’s biggest, loftiest dream for me is that I would give myself as “a living and holy sacrifice” (Rom. 12:1 NLT).  God’s standard is upside down.  Remember that Jesus honored the widow who gave two coins, valued by everyone else at less than a penny.  To Him they were the most precious gift because they were all she had.  Those God esteems are the ones who’ve sacrificed the most on His altar.  Greatness in God’s kingdom is achieved by those who care little about personal success and most about obeying God at all costs.

And so, where does that leave little old me?  Living in unfamiliar surroundings, far from friends or family.  Worshiping in a church next to people who attack my husband and his ministry.  Feeling disconnected in a place where my spiritual needs often aren’t met.  Working in a boring job and rarely getting to do what I feel God has created me to do.  And today, feeling thankful for all that.  In the midst of all those things are more blessings than I can count.  I tend to forget that I didn’t finish college because God blessed us with our beautiful daughter.  If we weren’t serving in ministry I would miss seeing God move powerfully through teenagers who were jaded and self-absorbed.  Although we sometimes feel attacked, we are deeply loved by the people of this church.  God has taught me to depend on Him solely to meet my needs - spiritual and otherwise - and He has truly been my “streams of living water.”  I do not take for granted the times I get to serve as a worship leader because they are rare.

Yes, I am thankful.  God sees all, knows all.  He knows the desires of my heart, and that I have left most of them behind to follow Him.  And I believe that God will honor that sacrifice, and ultimately give my heart His desires - so that He can grant me the desires of my heart.  And maybe next time I’m asked what I’m doing with my life I’ll shock everyone by answering that I am joyfully serving a life sentence carrying a cross.

Humble Pie

I’d like to apologize to you, dear readers, for the post titled “Sacrifice & Bitterness.”  I was reminded today by a brother in the Lord that responding out of anger only leads to a self-destructive pattern of bitterness and unforgiveness in my life.  I’m very ashamed of the words I wrote, especially because I wanted to blog about my experiences as a youth pastor’s wife to encourage others in ministry.  I always want to be honest about the frustrations of our unique area of service, but God cannot use me when I am filled with hate.  Please forgive me for allowing you to share in my anger and hostility.

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentelness, and self-control…Those who belong to Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there.  If we are living now by the Spirit, let us follow the Holy Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.
                                 Galatians 5:22-23b, 24-25

God’s funny like that.

After rereading my last post, I’ve realized I have some anger and bitterness issues to deal with.  It’s pretty funny that the sermon this morning was about being good neighbors even to the neighbors we don’t like, and how acts of service to them are cleansing for our spirit, as well as a witness of God’s love.  I think it was pretty much for me.  I don’t really know about anyone else there this morning, but everything that was said was all for me.  God’s funny like that.

It’s also funny that right after I got all worked up in a tizzy over an email, we had a major breakthrough with one of our students.  She started dating one of our regular attenders last year and has been coming pretty consistently.  Although we felt we were getting to know her, it felt like there was a huge wall up - especially when the infamous Sex Series came around.  My husband got a chance to spend some time with her this week and God broke through.  She opened up about her past, and he was able to understand more of the sweet girl behind the sometimes prickly exterior.  This circumstance reinforced in my heart not to jump to conclusions about people, because behind every rough exterior lies a world of hurt we know nothing about.  I feel that this is a huge breakthrough in our youth group, and it feels like we’re really starting to reap the rewards.

In other news, my husband and I were talking about how we sometimes feel that in the midst of all the church things that go on around us - all the meetings and rummage sales and potlucks and fundraisers - at times it feels like God is strangely absent.  As though in our frenzy to do good stuff, we forget the great big God it’s supposed to be for.  In our church we sometimes feel alone in our desire to truly experience God’s presence all the time, especially when we meet with other believers.  We began to wonder if this atmosphere of being ambivalent about God’s presence has seeped into our student ministry events.  In our eagerness to create a program that students enjoy and will bring their friends to, have we left out the most important piece of all?  Have we forgotten God along the way?  Most of all, have we robbed our students of knowing God’s presence and expecting to meet with Him every time they enter His house?

So we’ve decided to go back to the basics, so to speak.  My husband asked if I’d teach the Wednesday night lessons until our summer break (we don’t meet on Wednesdays in the summer).  I’ve been reading Praying the Names of God by Ann Spangler, so I’m using those devotions as a jumping off point.  Our format will be super-simple: just all of us, sitting in a circle, talking.  No bells and whistles, no distractions.  Each week I’ll focus on one attribute or name of God.  I’m hoping to help them deepen their prayer lives by learning to pray scripture and also doing guided prayers with them.  

I feel very strongly that student ministry can become more complicated than it needs to be, especially with all the ideas out there.  You’ve got your Purpose Driven Student Ministry, your Postmodern Student Ministry, your Spirit-led Student Ministry, your Volunteer-Based Student Ministry - you name it, there’s a book detailing the method for creating the madness and a free t-shirt to go with it!  It doesn’t have to be that hard.  I know that we are shepherding God’s children and that’s never a matter to be taken lightly, but sometimes we make this more difficult than they need to be.  So, starting this Wednesday, we’re going back to the basics.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

What I’ve Been Doing Lately

We’ve had a busy, busy few weeks.  Easter season is always hectic for those of us in ministry.  My husband and I were talking about how Easter is such an important time in the year for Christians, and a great opportunity to reflect on our salvation and Christ’s sacrifice - but we rarely get a chance to catch our breath during that week!  We had Maundy Thursday service (which I was unfamiliar with, since I grew up in the Baptist church and am unfamiliar with all the Methodist traditions - apparently it’s a remembrance of the Last Supper and the upper room experience), my husband preached at a community Good Friday service on Friday morning, and Friday night our youth group did a Tenebrae Service.  

This is the third year we’ve done a Tenebrae Service here and it gets better every year.  Tenebrae means “shadow” or “darkness.”  We read through the events of Good Friday and then seven candles are lit.  One by one, the last seven things Christ spoke from the cross are read, and a candle is extinguished.  After the last candle is blown out, we sit in darkness for a few minutes reflecting.  It’s a very moving service and it’s awesome to see our students take the lead.

Easter Sunday was, as usual, wild and crazy for us.  Our church thinks it’s a wonderful idea to put the youth group in charge of the Sunrise Service at 6:30 am (because we all know how much teenagers love to get up early).  After that, the Men’s Ministry cooks breakfast, then there’s the normal Morning Worship and Sunday School schedule.  It’s a long day, even though I usually don’t go to the Sunrise Service.  I’m not getting a three-year-old out of bed that early!  There are some things even Jesus doesn’t expect me to suffer through.

And the week after Easter my family flew in for a visit.  I miss them so much!  We had an great time.  We did some Detroit-y things like eating downtown at Lafayette Coney Island, which is awesome.  We went to Ikea because the Science Museum was crazy busy, and the hippie bakery downtown that we like was closed.  My sister and I sang the songs from Veggie Tales’ Madame Blueberry at Ikea.  It reminds us of Stuff Mart.  I also taught my mom and sister to dye yarn (you can see some pictures at my other blog.)

So, for now at least, life is back to normal.  We’ve been watching lots of college basketball.  Saturday night we had a youth group party to watch the Final Four.  Tonight we’re having one again for the championship.  My husband was sorely disappointed that North Carolina lost.

So I’ll be getting back on the blogging horse shortly.  I have a few posts in the works.  I’d like to review some of the books I’ve read lately since I think they’re interesting.  More to come soon!

Where Have I Been?

Between Easter hoopla and family visiting, I haven’t had much internet time lately.  We’ve been running around like crazy, and I’ve barely had time to breathe.  I’ve had so much I want to share, but no time to write anything blog-worthy.  I’ve been collapsing into bed at night, barely keeping my eyes open to read for a few minutes.  It’s been wild.

I should have some time to post again soon. 

My baby is sick.

My sweet little girl is sick.  Our doctor (who goes to our church and is awesome) says it’s a Upper Respiratory Infection.  She’s so sleepy, very lethargic and not at all herself.  She’s usually a very busy girl, always going.  She slept on the couch most of the evening and now is just laying there, watching American Idol.  (David Hernandez looks like one of my ex-boyfriends.)

If she’s still sick tomorrow, I’m not sure what we’re going to do.  Of course, bring her back to the doctor.  My husband has to go to work (he stayed home with her today), and I really shouldn’t call in again.  (The flu and step throat have all but exhausted my sick days.)  

The worst is that she doesn’t want to be held.  I want to cuddle and soothe her.  She wants to be left alone.  It’s probably the fever, she’s burning up.  But still… 

Self-Doubt and Self-Realization

I had the job interview last night.  To be a part-time music minister.  All went well until they had me sight-read hymns.  I’m not a great sight-reader, especially under pressure.  And hymns (in their intended formats) are not my friends.  I love to break them down into chords and put my own spin on them.  Unfortunately, that church doesn’t really want their hymns contemporized.

Not that it went badly.  However, I do not think I will take this position, if they should choose to offer it to me.  And I have my doubts that they will even offer it to me.

This particular church is seeking quite a person to fill their part-time position:

•  A pianist who can provide prelude & offertory music as well as beautifully and competently play hymns in the traditional service; and segue seamlessly to leading a praise team and band in the contemporary service.
• A choir director who will continue using their choir in the traditional service and teach the praise team special music for the contemporary service.
• A music minister who will select and plan ALL  the music for two completely (at least musically) different services each week, as well as practice with the choir and praise team.

I feel exhausted just writing all that.  It seems like two (or three!) separate part-time positions.  I seriously doubt that I will be able to give enough time to fulfill all those responsibilities.

 

I feel completely at home playing and leading contemporary and blended worship.  But stylistically, I am unapologetically contemporary.  I will be more than happy to jazz up your hymns to make them relatable to this generation.  I struggle to play your hymns the way your grandmother did.  I am primarily a worship leader, not a pianist.

 

It was a big wake-up call for me.  I feel blessed, actually, that I am realizing all of this about myself.  And they were things I knew, but I needed some concrete experiences to bring them home.  I feel like I know myself and my strengths better now.  I don’t mind learning and growing musically - rather, I embrace it.  But perhaps I need a little more experience under my belt in an area I am more familiar before I take on something so far out of my comfort zone.

 

I hope I can find a place to serve.  I really do believe God has called me to minister in the area of music.  I’d love to do more than just serve as a volunteer.  I feel like I am gifted and passionate about music ministry, enough to do well as a music minister.  It’s frustrating to know so clearly that I can do something, but to not have a place to do it.  My sweet husband has been so encouraging to me, reminding me that God has a plan and if it’s not something now, He’s saving me for something better in the future.